Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
