My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.