I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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