I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My pussy is not your playground.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
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The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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