I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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