Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
