im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
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It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
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ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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