two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
