My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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