did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
