good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
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THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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