new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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