i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
