I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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