come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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