I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
