too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
