I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
