Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
