You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
