I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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