i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
