quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
