i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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