Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
