I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.