Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.