you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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