remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
