I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
