I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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