When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Maybe he injected his testicle?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
