I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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