Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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