i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
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well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.