Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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