i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
