my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
