Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
