I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
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any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
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My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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