just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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