11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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