also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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