Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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