i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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