I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
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