just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
