2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
