My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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