my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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