I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
