The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
