I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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