this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
