I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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